...it's who you know about

i am not above
making sure i remember the name of the lead singers
for all the hip bands.

when the band comes up in conversation
i shake my head
with an air of wry familiarity
and say
"yeah, old freddy,
he's a weird one."

then i bring up mogwai
shut my mouth
and watch the fun.

just as a favour to you

last night
i was on the verge of tears
and you spotted my toes kicking at the edge
long before i did

you put your forehead on mine
til your face was all i could see
and spoke softly-
whatever you said
it meant "i don't want you to cry"

and "if you cry
i'll let you"

and "if you cry
i'll stop you"

and "if you cry
i'll hold your hot pink cheek against my shoulder
let the tears pool in the hollow of my collarbone
and keep you til your breathing slows again

it will be like making love

but
i don't want you to cry"

so i didn't and
it was kind of okay.

Cheer Up (You Miserable Fuck)

...and dust, it settles on shelves
Will you shake me from myself
And tell me I'm alright?

And all the time on your own
The flowers have grown
Under your feet

And don't, don't you think that it's time
You said, "Hey, this one is mine"
Maybe do what you want to do?

David Ford

oh well

i decided i was going to make today different.

i made plans to achieve things. appreciate some people.
choose something good over something easy and fast,
wear sensible undergarments
(from the socks up),
floss,
eat a pear -
look after myself for once.

then i found myself planning around you again
starting with lace underwear, cheap wine
and ignoring my friends.

i'll wake up next to you tomorrow with new plans
or without a plan at all.

i'm so used to grown-up sizes

those little takeaway coffee cups
(the ones they call "regular")
don't sit right in my bone-cold mid-morning grasp anymore.

it feels like trying to use those
tiny preschool bathrooms
long after you've mastered long division.

especially when it's cold like this

they advertise plush and deluxe
"lose yourself in softness"
"rich, creamy centre"
entire rooms made of velvet!

i think they've got it wrong
pushing all that wealth and luxury
when all anyone really wants
is to feel looked after.

keep the dream alive

they've been staring at me all day
something's caught their eyes
a little different
a little unusual, perhaps?
i blink back (slowly)
lower my gaze floorwards
still feel theirs on me
glance up just in time to catch them.

so now i'm scared to go into the bathroom
in case i spot a giant streak
of mascara on my browbone
or a smear of breakfast yoghurt in my hair
(wouldn't be the first time) -
the mirror would never let me live it down.

faking it

when you knocked on my door last night
i realised after a few moments
i'd forgotten how to kiss.
so i pretended i still knew
and you didn't seem to notice.
and it didn't matter anyway;
after a while
i remembered again.

bad company

dark shadows cradle my eyes
all gentle in the face of my exhaustion
no i-told-you-sos
despite the fact that they warned me faintly
weeks ago
(months even)
that making friends with 4am
wasn't a good idea.

long distance

"she might not move there for him anymore," one said tonight
i tried to picture you crossing the country for me
and you vaporised at the edge of the city.

so i put you in reverse
rewound you to your bedroom
and tried to picture your thoughts crossing the city to me.
they laughed at me
inscrutably
and skipped town

(with my sanity in the back seat.)

executive function

i must not make teh same mistakes ovr and over agian
i must not make teh same mistakes ovr and over agian
i must not make teh same mistakes ovr and over agian
i must not make teh same mistakes ovr and over agian
i must not make teh same mistakes ovr and over agian
i must not make teh same mistakes ovr and over agian
i must not make teh same mistakes ovr and over agian.

patent pending

i went through your photos
noting things i'd missed so far.
then i saw one particular smile
damn, i thought.
could have sworn he'd invented that for me.